bulimia and cutting were crutches. they gave me identity, purpose and pride. it's sick. i am aware of this... but those things were mine and MINE alone. i could control them. i was a Queen in my own right. now i have nothing. i am barren.

life is silly...
sometimes i think the entire thing is pointless.
you're born, and surely each day you die a bit more.
no one knows how much time they have.
no one knows anything.

why would Deb ask if Aaron and I are serious?
does it matter? Aaron doesn't want to be married.
i don't like his reasoning for not getting married but
honestly I'm not gung-ho about marriage either.
i don't completely think the whole thing is ridiculous
and bound for failure, but 50% of ALL marriages these days end in divorce.
i don't like the odds... that's my entire reason for not marrying.

it's a beautiful thing in ideology to be dedicated and bound to another being for life, but how many of us can truly commit to "for better or worse"? it'd be nice to try (sometimes I think I'd be a GREAT wife)... but I'm scared of disappointing myself, and more importantly my husband.

anyway, everyone is not meant for marriage. maybe Aaron knows he is one of those people? not sure... I have given up trying to get him to be committed to me. when it happens it happens... we've barely been together half a year.

Aaron says we're serious--not marriage serious but still seriously committed :D. and he reminded me that next month is our half-anniversary. he was proud! that made me sooooo happy. he doesn't even know.

whether it ends in pain or not... i wouldn't trade this for the world.
i love him. i feel myself growing so attached each day. when i catch a whiff of his scent in my clothing i get goosebumps down my back. that's how i know. i love him.
beauty can be found in anything and should be enjoyed as such. i should learn to let go.